Chilli Body Soap

Bought a chilli body soap from guardian yesterday. It claimed that it can promote blood circulation, bla bla bla. Tried using it just now, it's so hot! Like applying chilli paste onto the body! I'll avoid areas which is thinner. So hot.

Just now in the lab, I notice that when a guy is going after a girl, you can see their attitude is one kind. His eyes is only on that particular girl, and it seems very weird. He totally ignore all his friends, and he just sit by this girl from the start till the end! They have their own little world. But i think that this is really unhealthy, especially if both of you are from the same faculty. Everyday they will meet, then lunch dinner supper also together. This is not life man! How can be like this? Each should have their own time. Maybe they have just started their relationship. I can understand. Been there, done that, haha

Change

Been talking with one of my friends lately, on how much some of our friends have changed, and some that didn't. We're talking about those that went overseas to study, and how much some of them have changed. Think all these are unavoidable. People will definitely change, when they're in a new environment. Some change to be a better person, some worse. It's just a process of life i suppose. Just hope that those that really close to us won't change that much.

I've watched the thai horror movie, Shutter, this afternoon. I'm terrified! It's so scary! The story line is normal, but the way it's captured was very scary, and the background music also play a great role. It's actually a girl who killed herself after being rape by a group a friends, and her lover is one among them, who just looked but didn't do anything. She came back for revenge, killed every body else, except her lover. It's all the little little things that make this movie so scary. I just don't know how to explain it, just that it scares me, and i can't sleep when i think of it. This film has success. It really scares me.

Annoyed

Been sleeping the whole day. It’s been raining since 1pm till now, and the weather is just too good to miss. I’ve done nothing today, and I feel contended with it. Yesterday’s lab work is disastrous, there have been some problem with the machine, and we can’t get any results after working for 6 hours. Have to repeat.

Why do some people make promises but they never intend to keep it? I just can’t figure it out. Really pissed me off.

Evolution

Someone drop me a message, stating that we are not from apes, but we evolved together with the apes. See see see, I've said i'm not good in my studies. I studied already, but still I don't know about that. Sigh.

Quite angry today. Someone in the lab finished the materials, but never mention about it. When i need to use it today, there's none left! Then that person got the guts to tell me that she didn't do it! I'm so pissed off! It's either me or she that used it. Ah well, that's my own problem too. I just assume everything is in order, but I never thought that there's someone else using it all. I've got my lesson today. Next time I'll check everyting first. I should have thanked her. No angry anymore. I'm easily contented.

Really doubt about my own abilities. I really need to pick myself up. My confidence is at rock bottom now. Feel like quitting everything.

Hurt

Try to get some guidance from the lecturer, but she just ignore me. Well, it's a fact that lecturers love students with good grades, but should they do it so obviously? It's like ok i'm not good in my grades, but sure there's some qualities in me that can be consider good right? Felt so hurt, she didn't even look at me when I try to talk to her. I think this is life. You're not good, no one will give you any attention. Sure I'm not good in studies, but i'm not dumb either. So this really hurts me. Do I have to shout to the whole world that I didn't do well in studies? Really doubt at my own abilities now. Is it all about results? I know some will tell me it don't matter much, but for sure when I go out to find work, eventually they'll look at my results. In confusion now. Bit angry and bit disappointed. I'm used to be told if you're not smart, as long as you work damn hard, it's ok. But no one ever tell me what can I do if I'm not smart, I work damn hard, but still I didn't get good grades. Think i have to figure this out by myself. Think that little last bit lies in God. I've been a bad girl lately, I only turn to God when I have problems. When talks to sze yesterday, about the clashes with theory of evolution that we evolved from apes and our believe that God created us. This really gets me thinking. My scientific background will say that, yes, every living thing come from the same source, as our genetic material is quite the same. But how does this first living thing exist? Is it created by God? Some more confusion. Think i need to be smarter to answer all that.

This is Life

Been trying to study the lectures, just have a weird feeling I'm not going to do good this semester. Feel really bad about it, I don't know why. This is life man. What can I ask much? This is what I've chosen, and I don't want to regret it now. It's my own choice. I know it's hard, but I will try my best to do it. I want to do well, and I think I still have time to correct my mistakes. Well, hopefully things will trun out well.

Lucky!

I've met with a good samaritan just now. He let me drove out from a side lane when there's a jam! I've never encounter this kind of things before. Every time is me who want to come out, but the coming cars don't allow me to. Some more it's a BMW! A BMW letting my humble little kancil out! I'm so grateful! It's a man driver. I felt I'm very lucky today. I should be thankful that they don't bully my little kancil and i'm a girl. Felt good. There's still some good human left on earth. haha.

Sushi sushi.........

Although today’s the first day of school, I don’t quite feel the pressure. It’s just that there’s a lot of things to study, and there’s a lot of things to do. I still haven’t buy the books, and I don’t quite have the urge to buy it. Last resort I’ll just photocopy from my friends, coz I just need a few chapters.

Parents are in KL now, and they treat us to Sushi King. This is my first time (and Lucas’s too) that we eat all we want and do not need to worry about the bill! So yummy, happy happy. I’ve bought their privilege card, but this year they don’t have any vouchers inside the calendar. I felt cheated! Wanna go back and ask for a refund! But then, they didn’t say anything about the vouchers, I just assume they have it, since all the previous years have. Ah well, this serves as a lesson : always ask before you buy anything! I can’t regret now, guess I just have to visit sushi king more often with Lucas then, haha.

Class starts!

It’s just so hard for me to accept: I have to go uni tomorrow. TOMORROW! It's already 12 midnight, but still i can't sleep. It’s so depressing, when I think of all those endless classes, work. I just hope everyday is a holiday! But then, if everyday’s a holiday, I’ll be complaining every second, of me bored to death. Haha. Ah well, think this is the best, I go to uni, start to work hard on all my papers, at least get a better result this semester, then I think I would be ok.

Met with my parents just now in the hotel, there are on their business trip. I notice Lucas didn’t speak much; he’s such a shy boy in front of my family members. I think just me speak enough, if both of us also talkative, then no one will be listening.

Longer holidays perhaps...

File – CHECK
Text books – CHECK
Body – CHECK
Mind – errr….

Don’t think I’m prepared to start the new semester tomorrow. I’m still in the holiday mood! Though I’m nearly bored to death inside my own room, but I still don’t think I want to start another semester so early. Maybe another week of rest will be great. I’m asking too much am I not? Imagine all the work loads, preparing my tests, all those lab works, and the list goes on. Sigh. I just want longer holidays!

The Mighty Incredibles

This movie (or should I call it cartoon?) is just so good! I recommended it to everybody! Parents or kids, just go and watch it! And you’ll love it. The story is about a family who all has special powers. The father (aka Mr Incredible) can’t forget about the good old days as a super hero. He’s married to Elastigirl, who’s also once a super hero. Their children all have powers. Basically it’s all about how they survive a family crisis, in the mean time saving the world. The villain was once a big fan of Mr Incredible, but was rejected by him, since then he has been planning for the revenge, on all the super heroes. In the end, super heroes are humans too, who’s scared of aging, expanding waist line, sagging hips, educating their children, awkward teenage years. They are normal too.

I really had a great time when I’m inside the cinema. I guess there’s no actor or actress who can do this movie, and it only happen in cartoons. And who said grown ups can’t watch cartoons? I just love them!

A little comment though, this one is far more better than shark tale, even though it has more famous people behind as the voices of the characters. I totally fall for this cartoon. Hopefully there will be a sequel, then I can enjoy it once more.

How come it won't stop?!

It;s very annoying! I don't know where the annoying buzzing sounds come from, sound like a construction site! It's been like that for the past week, and I can't really concentrate! Even i switched my radio to the loudest the sounds are still there. I can't stand it any more. The sounds are still on even in midnight! It jst makes me crazy. I really have to go buy ear plugs. At least I can get some sleep.

It's So Hot!

It's 11 at night, i try to sleep, but the weather it's just so hot, eventhough i sleep directly under the fan. I kept sweating. The weather is just so weird. Last week everyday rained, until sokl is flooded, but these 3 days there's not even one drop of rain, and it's just so hot. I think the chinese proverb : `sky have unpredictable weather', haha, means so good. Just as you thought the weather is good and you go wash your clothes, then suddenly 10 minutes later it starts pouring. You just won't know when the weather is good or bad (except if you follow the weather report). I just hope it will rain! Just for a few minutes will do! Just so hot.

I've nothing to do this whole day. Spent the holwe morning and afternoon in the lab, but did nothing. I think all i need now is motivation. I'm so sad and dishearted recently. Do everything also no mood. Really moody. I think I really need to relax. But then, new semester will start next week. Need to work hard.

Diamonds are Forever

Went wimdow shopping this morning. When i pass through all those jewellery shop, i just can't take my eyes off all those glittering diamonds! haha. I'm just a normal girl who loves erm, shinny things, especially diamonds. Those that are sold in shops are of poorer quality, and a good qualit diamond will cost a bomb. I think i just need to work harder and longer to earn more money for a diamond. But then, just as sze says, i can always find a rich husband and ask him buy loads of diamonds for me. haha. Such a simple life time goal. haha

People

Have a chat with my friend just now, and I notice everywhere we go or work there sure be some people problem, no matter how well you perform. It’s just so hard to accept that when you’re doing good, someone’s there to wait for you to fall down, not to offer help, but to laugh at you. Some even wait for you to fail so that they can replace you. It’s a tough world out there, and everyone is competing among oneself to be the best, to be on the top. So I guess this is normal. This do not only happen in big company, even a small community might have this kind of problems. It’s the people politics. I’m a bit scared now. What will happen when I go out to work? Since the chance of doing master would be slim, then I need to go out work. Not much human can do everything that follow their own way. We do really care how others think about us. How other judge us. Whether we’re lovable individuals. I use to work very hard to become someone that was appreciated and liked by others, but when I’m older I start to realize that I can’t please the whole world. I can’t ask all those who knew me like me. We’re all different people, there’re sure some who doesn’t like your personality. It’s so hard to please all of them. So I give myself a break, and become friend to those who can accept my personality, and just let it go for those who can’t. Life’s short. Not worth it to please the whole world except yourself.

I'm lonely

I notice now I’m someone who’s scared of being alone. Especially the times right after holidays when I spent most of my times with my sisters. I do feel quite lonely. Sometimes it’s just so hard to stop feeling like that. Sometimes it’s just so bored to spend the times alone. What kind of things can I do alone? I read, I surf online, I try to sleep. But these activities just can’t make me feel happy. I just can’t understand what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m just a normal person who’s scared of loneliness. I think this is normal for human. I think I just need to think of other solutions to make myself busier and stop thinking of how bored am I. I don’t have any other things to do currently, coz it’s still holiday. But my holiday will end on another 5 days. Hope I can stand it when the next semester starts. I suddenly have a really weird feeling that I don’t like to go to uni that much anyway. It’s just so pathetic. Maybe I feel like this because I didn’t get good grades. It really affects my confidence. Think I need to find other ways to bring it all back. See, I think too much. I’m just bored and lonely.

I'm Back to KL

I’ve gone back to Ipoh for the last week. Feel very good. At last I can have some rest. There’s nothing much I can do back at home, except eat, sleep, window shopping. My grandmother is very happy when we’re back (me, my older sister and her boyfriend). She brought us to a lot of places to eat. Haha. It’s so fun, to just chat with my sisters till midnight, and just doze off like that. I can’t remember how long we haven done that.

My parents are back 3 days earlier. And it was like such a mess back at home! It’s such a long time that they didn’t stay with us, and it’s so awkward when they’re back. I can’t stand my mother. She’s such a control freak. Last 2 days was not that enjoyable when they’re around. I wish I could do something about it, but it’s just so hard. I don’t know what can I talk with them, what dan I do together with them, what kind of things I should say. Both of them are so easily irritated. They kept put on sour face. And I just don’t know what can I do anymore.

Now I’m back KL, I hope my younger sister won’t fight with my mother that often she’s having her stpm now, so I really hope she can do well. My mother is very sensitive lately. Hope nothing happen.

Really Bored!

Sigh, this is the first time I'm back at homw so long a time, so bored. I don't have anything to do! It's like, aimless. What's wrong with me? I don't want to do out, coz it's just so hot out there (in fact, it's the only day that didn't rain!) What can I do? I've had lunch, then I snack a lot. Can't go sleep, coz it's just so hot. No broadband, if not i can still go play online games. Really bored! I rather it's weekdays, at least I can go to lab. sigh. This is sunday! It's suppose for people to go out and enjoy! I'm bored!!!

Moody

I've been very moody these few days, after I got my results. I just don't know what else I can do. I know let the past saty in the past, but I just can't help feeling dishearted. I do study hard, but sometimes, it's just so unfair, those that I memorize hard enough didn't come out. Now i'm like a dead fish. Nothing I can do, so I think i just need to go have a break, then come back to study harder. Now i'm so doubtful about my ability. Should i continue? With what I've always think of. It's just so unfair. Why can't I be like others that can memorize EVERYTHING? I'm in dilemma now. sigh. I suppose this is my path, even after I enter university, still have doubt of what am i going to do. Is it normal? What can I do? It's so stressful, even after I got my results. I just hope next time, it won't be that bad. I do study! I'm not a good student o guess. I think i should just find other things that make me happy. I love doing things in te lab, but I suppose with my bad results it won't bring me any where. sigh. Why is it it's so results oriented here in this country? It just makes me sick. Why can't they do something about it? I hope my children won't go throught what am i going through now. It's depressing. Everytime you study, but the results it's just so bad, and you start to wonder what the use that God create you. so sad.

Slippers

My finals results was out. I did really bad. It's expected, but I do not know that i did THAT bad! Those that I expected A became a B, and etc. I am so sad! Moreover when I walk back I fall from the stairs! Coz the slippers! And my left elbow was so bruised. Lucas said I look like some victim of domestic violence, haha. And my butt hurts! Things do not go wrong for once, and it goes not twice, but trice. Results not good, then fall from the stairs, then I spoil my project!

Must go temple or something to pray. Chase away the bad luck. haha. Erm, hit little people with slippers? THink that might work. Or I should just go find something that would bring me luck. Luck is what i need right now I suppose.

I Can't Sleep!

It's 2.30am, and still I can't sleep. Is it because i usually lseep at 3am, now that i want to sleep earlier, I just can't doze off? I know i'm physically very tired, but it's just that i can't falla alseep. Then I'm here. What can i do? I'm very hungry! I get hungry in midnight if i don't sleep! So i had a tart that i bought in the evening just now, and regretted about it. SHouldn't have put in anything inside my mouth when i want to sleep. Now i'm going to sleep with my stomach full, then I don't let my stomach to rest, and I'll definitely get a gastric in the moring tomorrow. It's always like that. But now i seldom get gastric anymore, coz i just eat nad eat and eat non stop! I just can't stop eating! Anyway drop the issue of eating, I need to sleep.

Think this is the reason that I have an outbreak. My forehead is full of pimples! THis is the FIRST time i have so many pimples in my life! I have dry skin, so it's unusual that i would have pimples. Weird. Maybe it's because that it's my skincare. I need to drink more water. I've been so busy these few days that I seldom drink water. sigh. I want to sleep. I just want to sleep.

Easier Work

I have just realized that it’s whole lot more easier if I observed someone perform the experiment than I read the protocol myself. It is so hard to find the proper protocol for my experiment online. I do know what should I be doing, but the details I’m not that sure. I’ve been using 2 days to search for the proper protocols, not to ask the seniors for guidance, for we’re expected to solve our own problems. I tried online, and search in the library for past thesis, and I only get the out line of the whole process. Then this morning, I observed one of the lab assistant perform it, it just so easy. But I have to admit I need to have a rough idea what should I be doing, then only I will understand what they’re doing. So at last I know what should I be doing, and what can I do. We’re advised not to do anything that we’re not sure, coz the equipment and chemicals are expensive. If something breaks, then the whole lab will suffer.

I’m actually on holiday now, but because of the lab work I would not be able to go back to Ipoh. I really do want to go back, it’s been so long since I go back, and I miss ipoh’s food. Kai si hor fun, yong tau fu, yum yum. I seldom go back during holidays, and I really miss the food! Of coz I miss my family too. Haha. I just want to go back this holiday and relax. It’s been so stressful these few weeks. I continue to do my lab work straight after I finish my finals. I only have a weekend to rest. I want to go back, and find my friends, chat up with them. Every year this is the only time I can find all of them in ipoh.

Chinese or English educated?

Yesterday when I was having lunch with my friends, they mentioned that I do not quite look like a Chinese educated kind of a person. I do not know what to think. They’re not the first to say like this, and I just don’t know why. Do I not look like a Chinese? Or is it my mandarin is so lousy? I seldom speak English in front of them, and yet they thought I’m from and English educated school. Another friend of mine was so surprise one day that when I speak mandarin, she just stare at me for a few seconds and exclaim: `you know Chinese gah?’ YES! I know mandarin! And I know how to read and write mandarin! I also know who’s is Li Bai, Du Pu, and all those Chinese poets, coz I need to memorize ming ju jing hua when I’m in secondary school. Haha. I just don’t understand, do I look different? Or is it just the way I talk is defferent from them? Maybe it’s because I seldom use mandarin, and all the while I talk Cantonese.

I was in the lab these few days, morning till evening. And I just noticed that I did quite a lot for my project, usually others final year projects are not that long. A senior do said that it’s because we did very fast. I will just say that it’s pure luck, that every time that we do the experiment, it’s successful, while the other 3 is not. It’s just pure luck that all the equipment work when we need them, just plain luck. Although I really do a lot of work, but I also learn a lot more. Basically, me and my mate have done some part of the project next year’s batch. Ah well, learn some more is better. And I do hope I can stay there a little longer, just to learn something new.

Lucas commented to me personally that a blog is just so weird. It’s like a diary, but let everybody read. And he laughs at me coz I have so little comments! He’s so mean! And to you Lucas if you’re reading this, help a bit, give comments!

I really feel weird. I don’t understand, if there is an easier road to do things, why does it someone has to show the hard road for us to follow? We know that road will lead us to no where, but just to please that somebody, we have to do it. I just don’t understand what is it that is in the person’s mind is. Does it make them more happy to see us struggle? I do wonder. Maybe I should change my mindset. They meant good, maybe they want us to learn the hard way, before they show us the easy road. I should think like that to make myself feel better. I feel unhappy about all that, but I still have to follow their rules. It’s a game that I can’t quit playing. I just hope what am I going to do will be easier in the future, and I can get something out of it. I don’t want to quit so easy. I don’t want to be a loser.

I skip the lab work today. Didn’t feel quite well. Headache when I woke up, feel like my head going to burst. So I slept until 1 in the afternoon. My head still spinning after I woke up, and my eyes are swollen. Can’t stop crying last night. I just can’t stop worrying. I don’t know what can or what should I do! I really need to de-stress myself. It troubles me a lot. I still don’t have any solution for it, and I hope I can figure out something good after all this.

I’ve read Sze-Lyn’s term paper on Marie France Bodyline. It is critical analysis course. (quite similar with my critical thinking course I suppose). Well it’s true, we women tend to find the easiest way to lose weight, and those advertisement target our thinking to earn money. We want the fastest, easiest way, and we do not mind to pay (especially for those kuo tai tai). I was once nearly in the edge of signing for a course from one of the local slimming centres that uses `chili enzymes’ to help `combat fats’. But I control myself, coz there’re still a lot of hidden costs beside the prize that they quote in the ad. Ah well, there’s no easy way out if you want to be slim: eat less, exercise more. I’ve been told over and over again, but still, I hope to get an easier way out! I’m a lazy pig! haha

Cheap!

Early in the morning I’ve went to my sister’s place, to pick her up to go to the fragrance warehouse sales in subang. The sales will start at 11am, but we wait there at 9.30. I really think we can see a lot kind of people during sales, especially warehouse sales, where you can see different kind of attitude coming out. Some can pretend that thy know you, and cut your queue and stand in front of you; some are so rude they just step on you and cut your queue, some will pretend they don’t know there’s a queue there and stand in front of you; some even drive their car and park it in front of you so that they’ll be in the front! You can really see the kiasu-ism of Malaysians during warehouse sales. That’s why o tell myself, I need to go to a few more warehouse sales to get experience, so that next time, I know which kind of warehouse sales are worth of going.

My conclusion for today’s warehouse sales: truly worth it! All of the fragrance are branded stuffs, and usually cost you a lot more if it is bought at a counter. I bought very cheap stuffs, which are still brand new, still in their plastic packaging, and all of them are more than 50% cheaper! I’m already in control, if not, I think I’ll buy a lot more! They are so cheap you wish you have a few credit cards! My sister told me it’s because that most branded fragrance have their own counter now, and their don’t need a distributor anymore. So this distributor needs to clear their stock, before all their fragrance will worth nothing. This kind of opportunity happens once in a life time (this is the excuse for myself when I bought too much). So don’t think they’ll have in in the near future.

Was on the phone with my mother in the evening, when I told her I might need their support if I ever do my masters, she replied me fast that she only support me until my degree, and the second thing she said `why wanna study so much?’ I’m so sad and hurt. Think I need to find my won way if I ever wanna continue. I just hope by the time I finish my degree, things will be better, and I can get a scholarship. I hope, and I’ll pray.